Isn't that the way it is...always blaming someone else...
The road was getting weary on that second day. Tiredness was setting in on me, all of the everything was huddling in around me. I could hardly hold my eyes open, when I remembered that colleen had given me a bag of goodies... these goodies were to get me down the road, she had said with a knowing smile. Looking inside I saw all my good intentions going right down the drain, or the throat, so to speak. Pringles and Wheat Thins all stashed so beautifully in the bright colored papers.
Part of the excitement about the move was I would be away from the Sunglow Cafe and get a handle on this nervous eating I had been doing for years... 30 lbs worth. I thought the hours of driving would allow me to face the demons that drove me to the cookies and the Pringles...those damn Pringles.
Chris started it all. At first, he made nachos with that great Vermont Cheddar cheese.... and he was such a perfectionist about it all, that he made each one individually and baked them until they were just right. Succulent would be more like it. That was such a wonderful afternoon treat...and he only made a certain amount, so I couldn't over indulge in them... then came those damn potato chips. Pringles to be more specific.
Actually, I never was a potato chip eater until Chris started bringing in a can of Pringles about every day, and even then, I don't think I would have found them enticing except he started cutting up that fabulous Vermont Cheddar cheese to go with them.... anything would taste good with that Vermont cheese...and so goes the new habit of eating Pringles, and now I don't need the cheese.
If any of you watched Food, Inc. you may remember that Pringles aren't really potato chips.... they are actually flakes of dried potatoes pressed with chemicals and the like into perfectly formed chips. If we think about it, we know potatoes don't come quite so uniform....anyway, this isn't so much about the quality of food as it is about why we consume this garbage.
So, I am driving along. Dharma had been sick all day the day before... leaving me to believe that the half eaten package of ground flax seeds with pomegranates that I had found Harry chewing on the day before we left might have been mostly consumed by Dharma. So today Dharma is feeling a little better...the dogs are quiet....no radio stations out here in the middle of this culinary wasteland.... and the new IPod I had purchased, I haven't figured out quite yet....so quiet it is...
And what comes out of quiet... that uneasiness, that something that tells me I am going to miss sunglow something awful... what about my friends... trying to think forward instead of backwards....thinking of starting a new business, thinking of moving and starting a new life.... finances, all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by exhaustion...that was when I started looking for something to eat...and that was when I remembered...Pringles and Wheat Thins....and I found some awesome chocolates too.
So by the time I pulled into Clinton, OK (in case you are a little confused here with me being in Oklahoma, I needed to visit my parents in Missouri before going on to Idaho) I was one sick soul....I had done exactly what I was so excited not to do...I had consumed every piece of edible (that is questionable) whatevers I found in the car. I was so ready for that exploration of my inner space...so ready to call a halt to this mindless eating....but I was so tired, and if I eat I can stay awake. I am a vegetarian for God's sake.... I eat organic, so what drives me over the edge....
stay tuned, some more of this mountain therapy coming right up.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
leaving sunglow ranch and a new beginning
Some were saying it was the end of an era, for me it was a new beginning. I quietly drove down the long drive away from the ranch towards Sunglow Road, afraid to look back as there had been too many tears, making for a sad, sad day.... the three dogs, Dharma, the 5 year old Turkish goatherder, weighing in at 127 lbs, Jessie, my little red Aussie who is now 14 and suffering from the signs of old age, and Harry, the black lab not quite two yet, who wandered in with his partner Bess the end of April.... abandoned....they were all as quiet as I was...knowing their lives were changing before their eyes, and their beloved home was no more. One of my friends on the border came and fell in love with Bess. I let him take her knowing that would break the running and hunting habit the two had used to survive...so now we are three dogs, two horses, a burro and me. We had moved Doc, Apache and Frijole, the burro, down the road waiting for mom to call and say we have a new home and bring them to me....
I didn't get far, just down past the Blank Draw, and the tears overwhelmed me.... I got to the cattle guard, and pulled off, the magical Chiricahua Mountains in front of me. They seemed to know, it was my time to go...there were so many things I wanted to do before I left. I wanted to hike up to my favorite places, Rustler Park...well not quite to Rustler, that place where I break off and drive for a ways until I can't drive anymore, then I would take the dogs and hike up to the crest and just sit and listen to the soughing of the pines, not another soul within a mile. At times, I could see a truck go down the road far below me...they had no idea I was up there alone and loving the aloneness, the dogs understood my need and lay quietly waiting; Cave Creek, where I would park just off the road and walk in the mile to the trailheads so that I could just experience the quiet, watch the birds, wonder about those caves far up in the rocks above my head....knowing the bat guano that fills them and that it is the perfect place for a female cougar to give birth to her young.... and the Chiricahua National Monument.. the land of many rocks... what a natural wonder and all the people who work there..they are a natural wonder as well....the nature trail behind the ranch that allows one to explore the 400 pristine acres.... Whitewater Draw where the birds come in to 'hang out'.... all the places that I, of late, had no time for.
At the sweat lodge the night before I left, a friend had given me a pouch of tobacco...so I reached for the tobacco, and stepped from my car. I said a silent prayer, feeling the mountains embrace me. I prayed for safe travels, and that I cause no harm to others nor them to me, that my canine friends and all other animals stay safe, that no birds or animals dart in front of me while driving, and that the mountain lions I love so much stay protected from human predators ... I also asked the Great Spirit to hold my dreams in his hands and protect them, so I wouldn't lose them on the way. I laid a pinch of tobacco in my hand and held it out.... I watched as my prayers and the tobacco were carried up to the heavens with the gentle breezes of late October.
Sunglow Ranch, it seemed as if it was a 'give and take' relationship, like most relationships. I don't think I realized it as it was happening, there were times I felt I couldn't give it anymore...that I had nothing left to give, then I would step back into the hills, and that was when I could see how much the ranch and these mountains had given to me. A friend from college who came out to work with us off and on through the years once said, Susan if one isn't ready to face themselves, these mountains will kick their butt and send them packing....I believe that, the mountains are like a mirror, reflecting the true inner self back at you every step of the way.... Mitchel Sayare, the owner of Sunglow Ranch, years ago when I first came to work for him had expressed concern that the ranch may be too remote for me, and I laughed saying I was thinking it may not be remote enough. I had had many relationships thru the years, and it was time for me to be alone and learn about myself first, before bringing another man into my life. Little did I know that it would take me 10 years to learn who I am and through the complexity of my relationship with Sunglow Ranch I was able to understand my weaknesses and my strengths...my struggles and my triumphs. So, after many years of 'mountain therapy' I look at this as my new beginning.....and for this I give thanks to Sunglow, to Mitchel Sayare, to my fabulous staff, to all my friends in southeastern Arizona and to my beloved Chiricahua Mountains.
I didn't get far, just down past the Blank Draw, and the tears overwhelmed me.... I got to the cattle guard, and pulled off, the magical Chiricahua Mountains in front of me. They seemed to know, it was my time to go...there were so many things I wanted to do before I left. I wanted to hike up to my favorite places, Rustler Park...well not quite to Rustler, that place where I break off and drive for a ways until I can't drive anymore, then I would take the dogs and hike up to the crest and just sit and listen to the soughing of the pines, not another soul within a mile. At times, I could see a truck go down the road far below me...they had no idea I was up there alone and loving the aloneness, the dogs understood my need and lay quietly waiting; Cave Creek, where I would park just off the road and walk in the mile to the trailheads so that I could just experience the quiet, watch the birds, wonder about those caves far up in the rocks above my head....knowing the bat guano that fills them and that it is the perfect place for a female cougar to give birth to her young.... and the Chiricahua National Monument.. the land of many rocks... what a natural wonder and all the people who work there..they are a natural wonder as well....the nature trail behind the ranch that allows one to explore the 400 pristine acres.... Whitewater Draw where the birds come in to 'hang out'.... all the places that I, of late, had no time for.
At the sweat lodge the night before I left, a friend had given me a pouch of tobacco...so I reached for the tobacco, and stepped from my car. I said a silent prayer, feeling the mountains embrace me. I prayed for safe travels, and that I cause no harm to others nor them to me, that my canine friends and all other animals stay safe, that no birds or animals dart in front of me while driving, and that the mountain lions I love so much stay protected from human predators ... I also asked the Great Spirit to hold my dreams in his hands and protect them, so I wouldn't lose them on the way. I laid a pinch of tobacco in my hand and held it out.... I watched as my prayers and the tobacco were carried up to the heavens with the gentle breezes of late October.
Sunglow Ranch, it seemed as if it was a 'give and take' relationship, like most relationships. I don't think I realized it as it was happening, there were times I felt I couldn't give it anymore...that I had nothing left to give, then I would step back into the hills, and that was when I could see how much the ranch and these mountains had given to me. A friend from college who came out to work with us off and on through the years once said, Susan if one isn't ready to face themselves, these mountains will kick their butt and send them packing....I believe that, the mountains are like a mirror, reflecting the true inner self back at you every step of the way.... Mitchel Sayare, the owner of Sunglow Ranch, years ago when I first came to work for him had expressed concern that the ranch may be too remote for me, and I laughed saying I was thinking it may not be remote enough. I had had many relationships thru the years, and it was time for me to be alone and learn about myself first, before bringing another man into my life. Little did I know that it would take me 10 years to learn who I am and through the complexity of my relationship with Sunglow Ranch I was able to understand my weaknesses and my strengths...my struggles and my triumphs. So, after many years of 'mountain therapy' I look at this as my new beginning.....and for this I give thanks to Sunglow, to Mitchel Sayare, to my fabulous staff, to all my friends in southeastern Arizona and to my beloved Chiricahua Mountains.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)